28 going on...28

Each year my birthday creeps up faster and faster. I remember being 12, and counting down the days from February until my May 27th birthday. I remember thinking how different life would be when I was 13. The funny part is that it really didn't change a whole lot. I was miraculously the same person, at 13, on May 28, that I was at age 12, on May 26.

In fact, I always sort of felt like it took me a while to "grow into" my age. When someone would remind me that I was 13, or 16, or 18, or 21, it felt like that age was beyond my reach, and that I surely would have to grow up some to fit it. As I entered my twenties, I always felt this driving pressure to be older, to adjust to my age. I felt driven in my education, my career, my relationship...I felt driven financially to become the adult that everyone clearly expected me to be.

28 feels different. I look around, and I see my home. Yes, I love my home. I treasure it. It's not big, and it needs work, but I adore this little house. I love my husband. I love my career, and I love that it is currently on hold while I wait for my next adventure--motherhood. I have great friends, and my health is ever-improving.

For the first time in my life, though, I feel older than my age.

Not in a bad way. I guess I maybe just feel like I'm on pace, or maybe even a little ahead of the game. I'm really not, but I feel like the last two years have been absolutely crazy. I went from being engaged to no longer being a "newlywed". I went from being childless, to "expecting". I went from being relatively new to my career, to being someone who got a phone call just the other day from another practitioner, because she needed to refer a client to someone more "experienced". What a trip.

I drive a minivan.

It's all downhill from here. So, I might as well throw my arms up and scream with glee. :P

A little bit of Wicca slips in there sometimes...

So, I'm typically a bit of an eclectic...Spiritually speaking, I mean. I'm not Wiccan, and not generally pantheon-oriented, but there are a couple of Goddesses and Gods that I do hold near and dear. ;)

This time of year, I tend to connect with Hestia (Roman: Vesta). In Greek Mythos, Hestia was the Goddess and protector of the hearth. She was a homebody, and was happy to hang back on Mt. Olympus while the other original twelve (including Aphrodite) went off on wild and crazy adventures. Hestia took an oath that she would remain a virgin (along with Artemis and Athena), and that she would attain a future of her choosing, rather than the choosing of others.

I must say, I connect with Hestia for a number of reasons. Clearly the virgin thing isn't one of them. Ahem. The first is the fact that I, too, am an unapologetic homebody. Sounds strange for a Gemini, probably, but as I was discussing with a friend the other night, my moon sign is Pisces. Often the moon is a greater indicator of one's inner consciousness than their sun. Our Sun sign (mine being Gemini) is what we show people, and likely what Freud would refer to as "Ego", while the moon sign is our inner working, psychological and emotional motivations, etc., or, with relation to Freud's theories, the "Id". I'll show you my bubbly, friendly, funny, silly Gemini, but when I'm alone, I'm the quiet, reserved, overly sensitive, intuitive, dreamy and painfully disorganized Pisces.

I'm digressing. My point is that I seem to be tapping into a deeper part of my personality...and perhaps that's good. Maybe that makes me somewhat self-aware. Or maybe it makes me a big weirdo with a penchant for wingnut theories. Anyway.

Back to Hestia. I feel most confident when I am providing, feeding, warming, caring, and welcoming. Understandably, I am certain that I do not yet possess the warmth or wisdom necessary for one to carry this out, but this is much of what I enjoy doing. I love having people in my home. Caring for them. Feeding them. Making them feel welcome.

That said, I also love Hestia's calm, grounded, peaceful self-assuredness, which I KNOW that I do not yet possess, but will strive to do so. In my naivete, I am knee-jerk. I am unwise (in the best way possible, of course! ;) ), and I am insecure. Hestia was at peace with her lot...Hestia was ambitious enough to go after what she REALLY wanted, breaking the mold of what was technically expected of her, and chose a life that was unconventional. She was comfortable with that, and did not compare her life to that of others in order to be driven by shame or self-consciousness. She walked forward, only toward her own happiness, regardless of the myriad of expectations that would have been placed upon her. She listened inside, rather than out.

In my youthful(ish) abandon, I strive for her warm, nurturing groundedness.

The other Goddess that I will admit to having something of an affinity for is Artemis (Roman: Diana). Artemis was also one of the three Virgins (seriously, what is that about?!), but she was the Goddess of the hunt, protector of animals, and protector of women, particularly women in childbirth. Anyone who knows anything about my previous career endeavours may find that a little uncanny.

Artemis was scrappy. She was maternal, in spite of never having born children herself. She also, however, had little patience for nonsense, as she took the heinousness of cruelty very seriously, and had little sympathy for the perpetrators.

I love that she fought. She was Hestia's antithesis in a way. Hestia was peaceful and non-confrontational, for the most part, and Artemis was a "take no prisoners" kind of gal. She fought for those who could not fight for themselves. I dig it.

They both intrigue me, for different reasons. Perhaps my admiration for them, like my astrological signifiers, denotes two different but equally important parts of my personality.

Or maybe I'm just a big weirdo with a penchant for wingnut theories. Who knows? :P

'Tis the Season to be Hood-winked...

I just need to get this off my chest. Why, you ask? Because I'm working in a mall. And every day I consider clawing my own eyes out. And this is my blog, so if you don't like what I'm saying, you just don't have to read it. I don't mean that in a passive-aggressive way, either. If it ain't your cup o' tea, feel free to keep on truckin'.

Sometimes I think I might just be sensitive, or tuned in. Or tuned out. Or fucking crazy. I'm not sure. But this reality that we seem to be living in as a society is not one that I am readily buying into. Maybe that's frustrating to some. But I have always felt like an outsider, and I suppose it stands to reason, that as an outsider, the customs of the insiders must seem a bit odd.

Maybe I'll never understand how it is that debt creates wealth. And I'll never understand how a new car or bigger house will make me more whole or happy. Maybe I'll never buy into eating junk food to make me happy and taking diet pills to make me skinny. I feel so foreign as I watch drug commercials touting the latest, greatest Trojan horse, and contemplating how we have been kept sleeping amidst this great robbery of our spirits as we participate in the 'work, spend, consume...work, spend, consume' treadmill. The worker bees are kept quiet for want of one more day's profits.

I feel disgust when I am listening to Christmas musak in November, played in a dark mall with no clocks, like a casino, so that the patrons lose sense of time and spend their life savings on the latest crap imported from China. I feel sad when I watch a child, who couldn't be more than six or seven, struggle to walk because obesity has taken his balance and grace from him so young. Then to watch that same child down a can of Dr. Pepper and a big tube of sugar (literally), while standing outside my shoppe...All I can think is, when will someone love you enough to help you stop???

I look around and see signs, and Christmas decorations, all advertising a "low, low price" and making promises of happiness, health and fulfillment. They make such promises to us to remind us that we have not achieved these things. "Here," they say, "let me give you what you are obviously missing."

Our inadequacy complex serves them well. We are reminded that we are less than. Less than the celebrities on TV. Less than our neighbours, friends and certainly less than those peddling their mass-produced wares.

All I want is a house that is paid off. A home that no one can take from me. It doesn't have to be pretty (God knows it isn't), and it doesn't have to be big (we are reminded of the smallness every time we have to turn sideways in our living room to sit down). I want a garden, so that I can eat, no matter what, and a way to provide the basics...heat, water, electricity. My furniture doesn't have to be brand new...I would be afraid to be my regular clumsy self, the self who spills stuff, and who loves her cats more than her vanity.

Do I occasionally get woo'd by consumerism? Well, yes, but I really believe that I am able to draw a particular line...I watch women run around frantically looking for "Acai Berry" because Oprah says it will make them lose weight. All I can think is, how have we lost such faith in ourselves that we don't believe our rational thoughts are as valuable as Oprah's fleeting ones, particularly when hers are so heavily beholden to corporate sponsors and shareholders?

Who knew being an outsider could be so freeing?

Friends are the Family you Choose...

Well, I think I've processed it all. I supposed now it's time to "write it down", as it were. Because, well, that's the kind of shit I do.

I took a trip this past week to visit some friends. It was absolutely incredible.

There's a saying that "friends are the family you choose". I would have to agree with that. There are things that these people know about me that few, if any do, and they are the ONLY ones who know it all simultaneously. They were absolutely incredible hosts, which seems like the understatement of the year, but I mean that.

The thing is, I really believe that one of my life lessons has been, and will be understanding the inherent meaninglessness of genetic connections. I don't mean that to sound crass, or to undermine relationships that DO happen to have a genetic component. However, the fact that I am waiting every day for my chance to meet my own children, who will not happen to be genetically linked to myself or my husband, and the fact that I can have such a deep, wonderful, and important friendship with these people. With whom, I might add, live in another country, and grew up in such different (and yet, such similar) ways as I did.

It was amazing to be with people who "got" me. To whom I didn't seem too nutty (well, maybe just a little...), and with whom I could laugh or cry at anything without judgement. It was wonderful to feel so cared for.

For this next bit, you'll have to imagine my best television commercial voice. Sorry 'bout that.

So, this is my way of letting my valued friends know that they have now been upgraded to family! Congratulations! So, with all of that having been said, let's go through the new features that come free with your V.I.P. status, shall we?

* No gimmicks, gadgets, headgames or general B.S. Come as you are. There are no pretenses here.

* 24 hour emotional support, available any time of day or night via phone or email. Toll-free calling available with a simple ring signal.

* Unconditional love and support, even when it's not apparent or visible.

* Free laughs. On the house. All the time. (For best results, try drinking a glass of wine or two first.)

* And finally, our home is your home. We promise that whenever possible, if ever needed or wanted, you will be presented with a warm bed, hot tea (or cold beer!), a home-cooked meal, and a really big hug. No questions asked.

Below is a music video that I believe sums up my connection with these people. It won't make a lot of sense at first, but stay the course, and toward the end of the video, you'll understand. ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQbVem6kLG4

I love you both, my Kindred Spirits.